the awake dreams
7:28 p.m. | Aug. 01, 2009

It's not as though it's hard. And it's not as though it's exactly easy either. You hum away in my background, like traffic when I'm walking. I recently discovered two songs by Blue October that just feel so much like us that I've been listening to them on repeat for the past few days. (Congratulations and My Never.)

The amount that I idealize the memory of us worries me. Because, in my head, it's, like... perfect. Even though we never met. The hours we spent together online! I can see you so clearly, it's like you're sitting right next to me, an apparition, a mirage, that smiles at me with that secret locked in your eyes.

The other night just before sleep you crept into my thoughts the way that you do, and I pushed you away the way that I do, but then, I paused. I realized that a thought is just a thought, and I figured, Why not? So I let the thoughts go.

I lived my entire other life that night. I stayed awake and dreamed and dreamed of all the things that we'll never do. I fell asleep that way. It was good and it was awful, it felt wonderful and yet it hurt so much because eventually I had to wake up. And waking up after any dream of you always rips.

You didn't visit me in my dreams that night, but then, I didn't really expect you to because you didn't have to. I'd let you in for a while, you didn't have to force your way through.

It's just a thin veil that separates you and I, and sometimes I embrace it, and sometimes, I rip it to shreds. It's always either or, it's never not.

I miss you.