again
6:06 a.m. | Jul. 08, 2009

i sat out on the balcony as the world itself awoke. the pink blush streaked across the sky as the sun stretched. yawns of lazy clouds drifted across the canvas of a new day. someone started a truck and rumbled by. streetlight after streetlight faded out, from left to right. and on my laptop a song came on.

a couple weeks ago i had another dream. i don't remember anything about it except that when i found you, i pressed my lips right up against your ear until i could taste your hair, and i said as softly and urgently as i could, "Do you still love me?" and you said, "of course." with no hesitation.

when i woke up, i felt relief. i didn't feel pain or guilt or any of the things i'm so used to feeling when thinking of you. i felt like we had decided to meet in our dreams for that one moment. stupid logic always screams, but the dreamer in me always whispers way about those yells. i choose to believe that thoughts of me were strong in you at the same time as thoughts of you were strong in me and it resulted in this meeting of our dreams on some other landscape. i like believing that we check up on each other that way. i want to believe that you still think of me, even if, when you're not aware.

i know we're living different lives now. i know we will possibly live these different lives forever. i can live with that. because there's always the possibility that we won't. and because even if we do, i still love him. and because, even if we do, i still love you.

and through it all, stupidest of all, i believe that you still love me too.