7:13 p.m. | Jan. 07, 2011
seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months... time slides by. for a lot of those times, i don't once think about you. like all the times before, i stop the thought before it becomes a thought, i stop the feeling before it becomes a feeling. entire time goes by that i don't even think about you.
i think of all the time of my life that i've spent preparing myself for this exact scenario. the seconds that add up to minutes that add up to hours that add up to days that add up to weeks that add up to months... time that i've spent steeling my heart, unthinking thoughts, unfeeling feelings. all those other times. when my heart shattered and broke. when memories of you were driven through my body like spikes. i had to keep the pain away, so i did.
this time, i know it's the last time. mostly because i really think (hope, mostly...) that you realize that you can't keep doing this same thing to one person over and over again. i think (hope) that you realize that this isn't a fair thing that you keep doing. loving me, leaving me, breaking me, coming back, fixing me, loving me, leaving me, and breaking me again. i think (hope) that you realize that i can't help myself. i'm always going to love you, no matter what. i just can't help it, it's not a choice. and i think that you will stay away this time. even you must realize that we can't keep doing this forever. that i can't keep doing this forever. even though i feel like i could. even though i know i would
i go for a time, not a thought or feeling of you in me, and i feel content and okay for a while. and then, just like that, i'm wiping a table at work, and one line from a song comes on the radio, and without a moment's notice, my eyes are dripping, and my entire body mourns the absence of you. it's a physical pain.
i try to find words to describe what it feels like. one minute i'm strong, happy mindy. the mindy that everyone knows and sees. the mindy that is never in a bad mood, who doesn't stop smiling, who can handle almost anything. it's not fake. that mindy is real. she is strong. she is happy. she can handle almost anything. and within half a second, i turn into a puddly mess. one line from one song on a radio that i barely even hear anymore... and just like that, my heart feels as if someone has taken it straight from my chest and thrown it on the floor and i want to collapse with it. i want to hold the hurt and soothe it and make it stop. i want this burning in my body to go away. and yet, i don't.
sometimes i think i hold onto this dream because if i let it go, if i lose the pain, it means none of it really happened. i wonder if i'm going to be eighty and still feeling this way. something in me says Yes.
the thing is, more than anything, i just want you back. even now. even after all of this. i think that makes me insane, like, in a clinical sense. because who would do this to themselves over and over again? what sane, rational person would keep letting someone else hurt them like this? not me. i'm the one who cuts people out. i'm the one who breaks up with them. i'm the one who steels my heart against pain so completely that i can forget entire spaces of time just so i won't have to feel the pain of the memories contained within them. so why am i like this with you? what makes you so damn special? because as far as i can see, you are just as flawed a human being as anyone else. it's not like i have a perfect view of you as some fantasy person that you're not. it's not like things were so perfect with us that i want to hold onto the memory of us. in fact, my memories of you are so filled with pain that, of anyone, i should want to erase you more than anyone i've ever loved. but instead, i can't let go of it. i hold the pain of you so close to me that it becomes a part of my every day life. i think about you while i'm walking and listening to music. i still wear your rings. i still imagine saying silly things to you. i sometimes (a lot) imagine what our life would be like. not a perfect life. not a fantasy life. not a life that is free of all the hurt we've caused one another, but one that is built on all the years we've spent apart, but yet, somehow still remained together. (soultwins.)
our hearts belong together. i still believe that. i miss you with a part of me that nobody can ever touch.
a lot of times i think i should be happy to have loved someone the way that i love you. that i should feel blessed to have even had you in my life, even if it was for short periods of time. because our love is the kind of thing that shows up in movies and books. that's how it feels when we're together. it feels perfect, even though it's not. the thing is, i don't feel blessed. i feel cheated. i feel incomplete. i want to feel something else, anything else, about it. because then it might mean i'm not crazy.
i can't let you go. i won't let you go. i refuse to forget you, or us. and always, something like hope lingers in the back of my body. a feeling that's like an extra limb. it's there. it's part of me. you are a part of me. and even though i wish i could just cut it off, cut you off, i just can't. i won't. my brain tells me to let you go, to do anything to get over you, but the rest of my body, mostly my heart, just can't bear it. it would mean that you are actually gone from me. the only thing i have left of you is my heartbreak and my memories. and if that's all i can have, that's all i will have. and if that makes me insane, then i suppose i'm crazy as a loon. i don't mind, not really. but only because it's because of you.
seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years... and i still miss you. i'm always missing you because you are an invisible part of me. you're my phantom limb.
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