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1:45 a.m. | Apr. 16, 2009

go, me. two months of no writing here!

i dreamed of you again. in this dream we met up for five days. both of our "others" knew we were meeting up for the weekend. the whole point was to determine whether or not we were right. how do you do that in five days? i knew the second i saw you that it was "right". but now we've gotten ourselves into a whole new kettle of shit. we haven't just involved ourselves in this little drama, but now we've involved two other people who not only love us, but whom we love back. "whom"? anyway, it's all stupidity and i hate to use that word in the context of us, but who are we kidding?

i think i'll probably always dream of you sporadically throughout the rest of my life and i can accept that. i no longer feel guilt while looking at my boyfriend or when a fleeting thought of you enters my mind, which is less and less as time goes on.

i saw your wedding pictures about a month ago? maybe. i don't know for sure, time does funny things. i was at work and i decided to check your fb page. i felt safe doing it because my best friend was sitting next to me. my heart thudded to the bottom of my stomach when i saw the pictures. i won't lie. it hurt. it hurt BAD. and hopefully, like a sniveling little bitch, someday your heart will do the same thing when you see mine. whenever that is. i cried on my friends black jacket and my tears and snot made it shiny. my pain over you is so silent and secret. i never speak of you to anyone. i stopped crying to my friends over you because they were sick of hearing of it, and i was sick of saying it.

but it's there. the tiny pain, the secret heartbreak that i never speak of. and it's okay. we all have them. the things we never say. the feelings we never admit to. the daydreams that sometimes shimmer in front of our open eyes.

i suppose in a way you were kind of like a mirage in a desert. at the time that you found me i was so alone and so sad and you were perfect for me, except not perfect for me at that specific time. i had to know you were real. except that never happened. so by the time i was ready, someone else stepped in and took over for you.

timing is stupid and i hate it.

i miss you. i wish you wouldn't completely ignore me the way you do because sometimes i think we could actually be friends. sometimes i think that would be better than nothing.

heartbreak i can deal with. i've done it enough. it sucks but it's a part of life. what hurts the most is how you completely ignore me with no explanation. none. it's actually kind of rude.

anyway, i don't know why i bother to write here when i'm pretty sure you never read it. but, sometimes, just sometimes, i need to get these thoughts out of my head.

it's like purging. once i vomit, it's out and gone and i can ignore it for a while again.

missu.