the answer
12:55 p.m. | Feb. 16, 2009

i just had the most startling epiphany; i'm not the insane one here, you are.

you're up and down and here and there, you want out, you want in, you come, you go.

i'm clearly not the one with the issues here. i've just been reacting to your actions. it stops NOW.

how can i have been taking responsibility for the things you've been doing and applying them to how i feel about life? that's probably the only insane thing i've been doing with this situation. letting it affect me and my life as much as it has.

it wasn't wrong or bad or stupid of me to be confused about us; everything you did made me confused! how was i supposed to feel when you just pop in and out of my life unexpectedly like that? when you tell me you love me and have always loved me? that your marriage was a mistake? seriously. and now i find out that you're actually getting married again!

my initial response: W T F!

and, subsequently: good riddance!

and: anger, quite a lot of it, actually.

and: exasperation.

and, surprisingly: relief.

i have a clear view now. i don't have to question What If anymore. i know the What If. there isn't any. i don't know what i was to you, but it clearly wasn't what you were to me.

and it hurts. somehow, i will find a way to say goodbye to you because i think i used you as a crutch for a long time now. comparing the relationships in my life with you and how i thought it would be if we were together. we'd be happy and perfect and wonderful and we'd fight and make up but everything would magically be okay and even though i've had intimacy and attachment issues since i was a child somehow i'd manage to be Just Fine with you being deployed 6-10 months out the year it wouldn't be a problem i just know it wouldn't be because i love him so much and would be able to handle it.

somehow i will find a way past this most recent hurt and move past this all once and for all.

i've been praying to god to help me put you away. and i wonder if this is his answer.

of course i can never ignore that we seemed to actually read each other's thoughts sometimes, but, in the grand scheme of things, i suppose people in the world actually DO have almost the same sense of humour, the same way of thinking, and somehow we managed to meet. it doesn't mean we're soulmates. it means we wanted something in the other so badly we were willing to see whatever it is we wanted to see. and i just never let go. i'm a dreamer, a movie watcher, a love song listener, i wanted to believe in all that shit before i met you.

now i just want what's best for me and doesn't hurt me.