get used to it
6:49 a.m. | Dec. 04, 2008

This is futile.

Do you wonder why I doubt how you feel about me? It's because you can go days without so much as breathing one word in my direction. No texts, no emails, no popping online to say hello, nothing. And I make myself stupider by even having those expectations, yet every single time, I do it. I believe that this time you're going to show me without a doubt how much you love me. I wish that words were enough for me, but people say words all the time and things never change, which is, apparently, how things are going to go here.

I sometimes wonder why I don't prove to you how much I love you by leaving my boyfriend(s) or my life behind just to be with you. I guess it's security for me. I'd rather stay with a sure thing than risk everything by going to be with someone who may or may not mean what he says, whether or not he even knows it. The fact that I would sacrifice the kind of love I think that you and I share for something less is kind of inconceivable for me, but makes sense since every time I ever felt abandoned by you I had to heal a horribly broken heart over it. Never mind the whole married thing.

So I suppose what I'm doing is just carrying on with my life over here just as if you never came back two weeks ago and claimed to still love me. Just as if you never told me that you think the reason, deep down, that you got married was because you felt so "lost" when you saw me together with someone else. I have to pretend you never said those things so I can enjoy my life without you, which is something I never wanted to do.

It doesn't mean I don't love you. It means I can't imagine my life without you, yet I got used to doing life without you because things hadn't worked out the way I thought they would. And to have hope that they ever will is just immature thinking on my part. I have to be a grown-up, goddammit, unless I actually believe that you and I might work. But that's not going to happen as long as you're married. It's also not going to happen if I have to go days and days and days without hearing a damn thing from you, even though I continue to text you every so often, hoping you'll respond in anyway.

Maybe you are just working things out in your own life. Maybe you realize how impossible this dream of us really is. Maybe you're doing the same thing I'm doing. And if so, well, I hope it all works out for you. I really truly do.

I'll go continue my life without you now. But I won't like it.