one of these things doesn't belong...
2:41 p.m. | Dec. 04, 2008

I sat in McDonald's today when I should have been working. Instead I stopped off at the drugstore and picked up a notebook and some pens and I went to McD's to write you a letter. I've been composing this epic letter to you for days, maybe weeks, possibly even months now and when I sat down to write absolutely nothing good came out. All of my words to you are stale now. I've used them over and over and over again and I am starting to feel a downpull of something I can't describe.

I see this too clearly. I want to just rush with my emotions, or go with my head. But I'm stuck in between these two places, and it sticks in my throat, making me want to scream, but who would want to hear about any of this? My friends are sick of hearing about you. My boyfriend definitely doesn't want to hear anything having to do with you.

Last night he brought you up to me, in a roundabout way and it made me want to stick a pen in his eye, or mine, or both. I felt sick as I tried to smile it away. When I went to sleep, you were there again, and when I woke up I was so pissed off. He thought I was pissed at him, and I let him. Honestly, I thought I could just compartmentalize you again, like I've done for so long, but I'm finding it harder and harder and I don't know what to do about it. Where to put it all. This journal is the only safe place and it doesn't serve its purposes anyway.

I'm lost. And I need you to help me. Where are you?