this
7:41 p.m. | Dec. 01, 2008

Sometimes I can easily fool myself into believing that we could actually do this. And I tell myself all the time that it doesn't matter that I never hear from you (as always). Sometimes I can even convince myself that your marriage really is in shambles. But I've been here so many times. Not just with you, but with people in general who are looking for something outside of their life and I seem to so easily fill that void for them. I'm so naive it's insane. I really should know better.

When you got married I had to disengage myself. I thought a lot about the life that this other girl was living. My life. She was living my life and it drove me insane for a while. But I got over it. I learned how to do life without you and now that you're back I find myself staying in this spot that I've created, knowing that you're probably sleeping in the same bed as her, having sex with her, possibly still talking and laughing with her, and I know that in the end you will choose your marriage over anything you and I might have had. Which is certainly how it should be. I would never ask you to leave your wife. By the time you realize that I really am worth it, it might be too late because every day in my own life only brings me closer to my new boyfriend in my new relationship. Every day he and I make new and more memories and things just get better and better, even though in the back of my mind I wonder...

But then. That's a thought for another day. Because again, today, I have to live without you. And I will.

Somehow, I still love you.