the end.
6:21 p.m. | Feb. 03, 2009

Was it last night?

I dreamed of you. We were in a bedroom on a bed making out when my Dad knocked on the door. You started laughing and I giggled and pushed you off the bed while you scrambled to push yourself underneath. There was no time, my Dad opened the door just as you looked up over the side of the bed and we both started laughing and I didn't even care that my Dad was going to be angry. He asked us to leave the bedroom, so we went to a swimming pool and dove in, clothes and all. We floated underneath the water, looking at each other in slow motion. I saw the bubbles leave your mouth and I saw love in your eyes and I knew I was drowning but I didn't care. If we could drown together in our happiness at that moment, I was glad to go with you.

I am working on erasing you from my body again. I've considered messaging you and asking you to leave me alone. I've considered messaging you and asking you if we can actually be friends. I've considered every single angle of this that I can. And it all comes down to this: if you want it enough, something will change. But, I'm not going to live my life in a world filled with What Ifs. I deserve happiness. I can have it without you, it just won't be the same. Ever.

So as the days slowly scroll by, I work on the Not of you. I work on banishing the thought before it even becomes a thought. I've stopped looking at your Facebook profile, your MySpace, and when you've last logged into CF (on any of the names I actually know). I can't be happy if I think you're out there wanting me too.

I will assume you have been deployed again. I will assume that some family emergency has come up. I will assume you actually ARE avoiding me and not signing into all those things because of me (which is completely irrational and egotistical). Because I need to think these things. Whatever it is you're doing out there, it clearly doesn't involve me. It only takes a couple months of being completely ignored for me to realize that I'm not that important to you. I'm a slow learner, what can I say.

I'll always love you, but I can't love you right now. Not while I'm doing life without you and trying to be happy.

Which I will be. Do with that what you will.

I'm not mad at you. More like sad at you.

I truly hope all goes well for you, in whatever decisions you make.

I love you.