maybe just a full moon
9:04 p.m. | Feb. 09, 2009

I dreamed of you last night. One of those realistic ones where I woke up wondering where I was. As soon as I was awake enough to realize it had been a dream, I immediately closed my eyes and went back to sleep to see you again.

It was a bad dream. In this dream, we'd spent an entire summer together, falling in love at a campground next to the ocean. Every evening we'd gone down to the beach to "our" place and watched the pink sun fall to the earth, watching her reflection in the water. I had all these memories of how we'd been that summer; the things we'd done, inside jokes, secret make-out spots. It had been years ago, this blissful summer we'd had together, and we were about to see one another again after having been apart this whole time. Except when you showed up, you were with a group of girls who were all clambering over and around you, and you and this blond girl were the center of the cell, the nucleus of that tiny world. You saw me, our eyes connected and then you looked away as if I were a complete stranger. I remember my heart cracking, but I tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. I tried to figure out what was actually going on. I tried to ignore that blond.

It was a very long dream. Twice I got you on your own, and I tried to ask you what was going on, I tried to get answers from you, I even took you to "our" spot on the beach while the sun was falling, hoping that that would snap you out of this weird place you were in. The first time I got you alone, you didn't say a word, you didn't apologize, you hardly spoke. You looked dead and tired and apathetic. When you were with the girls your face did all the things it was supposed to, it spoke and laughed and told jokes and your eyes lit up at the appropriate times. But I watched you from a distance and I saw that in all the in between times, your eyes were dead. They held no life. It was as if you'd given up on being happy and realized that this was all you had. This silly charade with these silly girls who chattered and tittered around you. And that blond.

Before the second time I got you alone, the blond sought me out. We'd made eye contact a few times, she'd seen my obvious interest in you, and I tried to hide my hurt, but I wear my pain pretty plainly these days and I couldn't be bothered to hide my newly broken heart. I'd had expectations, they'd been dashed, and my heart was breaking. I hadn't done anything wrong. She didn't know who I was. She was curious; she wanted to know what was going on. She loved you too, and had loved you for a long time as well. She was your girlfriend of two years; at least that's what she told me. And it turns out the time that you and I had spent together had been during the time that you had been dating her. I was confused and hurt. I still felt that we were meant to be, but I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't understand you. Where were you? Why were you hiding in that army of girls? Why hadn't you told me about your "girlfriend" when we were falling in love? Why won't you talk to me? Explain it to me, light your eyes up for me like you usually do, smile that smile at me, make everything okay, dammit!

The thing is, I didn't really need you to tell me what was going on. I could see it plain as day. It's like I could read your thoughts (sometimes I think I actually can). You loved me, you believed I was your One just like I believed you were my One, but for some reason, you'd given up on the possibility. Even though I was right in front of you, you couldn't seem to make the move in your brain that would jump start your heart that would make your body move to make it happen. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to scream it out in front of everybody, I didn't want to hurt your "girlfriend's" feelings, I didn't want it to be untrue, so I waited and waited and waited for a moment I'd have you all to myself, but then, when I did, you weren't even present and I couldn't really talk to you. The You in you had disappeared.

And yet, I woke up time and time again this morning and rolled away from my boyfriend just so I could go back to you, even though the dream was terrible and it hurt my heart. I couldn't stop myself from wanting what I knew was going to be one of the only times I'd have you near, even if, even there, you still didn't want me.