lost
4:28 a.m. | Jan. 29, 2009

I actually struggled with writing here tonight. What am I doing? I...

A few entries ago I listed all the Greats you were to me. I was watching Sex And The City and in the second to last episode, Carrie is getting ready to go to Paris with Alecsandr Petrovsky when Big shows up. Again. And she says something to the effect of, "What, do you have some sort of radar? Oh no, Carrie might be happy, let's go shit all over her???!" And when I watched it this time, I thought of you. And I thought of all the times that I've become "happy" without you and what do you do? You just waltz back into my life and make me miserable again. And not because you make me miserable, but because being without you makes me miserable. I keep waiting for our happy ending, and it's never going to happen, is it? Is this just another time I'm going to have to get over you? And if that's true, is it just going to keep happening?? Right now, right this moment, I feel as though I'd do anything to be with you. I thought about quitting my jobs and hitchhiking across the country to get to you. But I'd probably end up dying from the cold and what good would that do us? The thing is, stupid fucking rational logic in my fucking brain tells me that it's only a fucking feeling and that feelings fucking pass! Tell me, WHEN IS THIS FEELING GOING TO PASS??? The other thing is, my brain is usually right. Tomorrow I'll wake up, it'll be day, and the sun will tell me how wonderful my boyfriend is and I'll continue to just compare him and everyone else I've ever been with, or will be with, to you. YOU! And guess what?? NONE OF THEM ARE YOU! Nobody can ever be you! This isn't a revelation, I realize this, but the thing is, what am I supposed to do with that??! Because as long as they aren't you, then how can they possibly compare? And how can I ever possibly have a successful relationship when you are in my fucking brain. My heart and my head do this battle on a daily basis. And guess what? Even if it could all be true and you and I could have our fucking happy ending, it doesn't matter because you're fucking married. I'm so fucking angry!! Angry at the world, at the gods, at whoever is in charge of this!!! WHY WOULD THEY LET ME FIND YOU ONLY TO HAVE YOU GO AWAY AGAIN??? And I have nowhere to put this pain, NOWHERE! It's not fair that you just get to come here and do this to me! It's not fair that, even when you WERE signing into myspace and cf and facebook on a daily basis, YOU JUST IGNORE ME ANYWAY!

What am I doing??! Maybe they are all right!! Maybe you are just an asshole! You don't know what you could have. Or maybe you do. Why do I even care what you think or feel???! I'm not the one who got married, you are. I'm angry as hell and I'm even angrier that I have absolutely fucking nowhere to put it but here.

You don't even read this.