bleeding dream
5:25 p.m. | Jan. 26, 2009

Do you feel this pain too? Or am I the only one suffering the raw emptiness that falls when the world becomes too silent? I try to distract myself, and I do a good job too. You become this background noise, like a radio station in a bookstore. I search for you every way I can while being completely aware that all I have to do is look inside of me, and there you are, free for the taking. I don't know how to do this, and yet, it's like I've been doing it my whole life. Trying to erase this distinct feeling of you. When we met, it was like you'd always been there, you'd just been missing. And now, you're missing again, yet, you're always there, resting inside of me. You nestle deep inside my being like a double edged sword and every breath I take I feel the sharp memories of you.

I wish so many things and yet I know that wishing does absolutely nothing because we are where we are in our lives and what would it take to untangle this mess? We'd have to undo every single decision we'd made over the last four years (or however long it's been), and then we'd have to live with the consequences, and what if it didn't work between the two of us? Is that the only question that keeps us from doing what we know we should do? Or, does something inside each of us know to keep this dream alive, to keep it cozy in our hearts, because if we were to actually try to do anything about it, it would all just blow to ashes anyway?

Do we live a fantasy? Do we wish we were with each other and not do anything about it because something inside of us knows that it would never really work anyway? Are we two dreamers who'd rather live with a broken dream than break it with reality?

My heart hurts. It hurts.