mine
10:28 p.m. | Dec. 21, 2008

I didn't think about you much today. Which simply means that thoughts of you didn't make me miserable today. I was miserable all on my own. It was just one of those days, I think. Maybe a drop in air pressure, or maybe not enough sun.

I feel you in everything I do. Every movement is shadowed by a Behind Thought. And while I don't feel like a stranger in my own skin anymore, I still mourn the absence of you. Will mourn the absence of you, probably, for most of the rest of my life.

The wind swirls angrily, throwing innocent snowflakes through the air. That's how I feel. Like my emotions are throwing me around recklessly, numbing me, keeping me cold. I wait for something to warm me up and I realized today that a lot of my life is just a distraction to keep myself from thinking of you. When I have no distraction, memories of us filter through and I can't make my body or my mind want to do things like eat and sleep because that would be wasting what little bit of unadulterated time I have to be able to think clear and beautiful thoughts of you. To really feel the sadness that is us.

I'll stop whining soon, I'm sure. Then it will be like it was when I would only write here every few months because I accidentally picked up a picture or a poem or a printed out email, or some smokescreen in my brain cleared for a night and you crept by and stood solidly beside me for a few hours. I hate those dreams, I wake up actually feeling your presence and when I turn over you're not there, or worse, someone else is and I have to swallow my tears and my hurt and my pain and smile brightly for the person who only wants to love me. I love him, too, you know. But it will never, never be the same.

He has no idea. I fool myself into thinking I'm being noble. That by choosing to love him that that somehow makes all of this better. How can that be, when in my deepest secretest heart of hearts, I know I'd choose you, if only I knew it could be true?

I will continue tomorrow, distraction after distraction. And I'm sure this feeling of you will disappear as it always does. And hopefully soon, you'll see, I won't write in here much anymore, and that will only mean that I've gone back out into the world to relearn how to do this all without you.

You're my Romeo, Dawson, Jack, Noah, and my Edward,too. But, you're so much more than that, you're you. And I... I know that I belong to you.