happy in my misery
2:18 p.m. | Dec. 16, 2008

I'm so surprised to know that my life continues without you. All the books I'm reading have the theme of True Love and it brings me to tears every time thinking about us.

Every day, every moment I'm aware of this life I have without you and it never feels right. I never feel right in my life. It's like I'm watching someone else do life through first person eyes.

Christmas and holidays are always hard for me when I think about all the things we could be. Especially when I realize that when I think the word "family" you're right there beside me.

I decided today that I'm not going to get married. That, of course, may change. But I know that I've been terrified of how things have been moving forward with my boyfriend, seems like a frightening speed, when three months ago I begged God for him to love me. It was all so confusing until I realized that the reason I'm so scared to move forward with him is because every movement forward means I'm moving further away from you.

Don't believe it, it's not true. No matter what I do, my heart will always fully belong to you.

I never wanted to marry anyone but you. The only exception to that rule is when I thought you didn't love me too. But now that I know you do, even if your sentiments change and we both stay away from each other and you remain married, nothing else will do. And if it isn't you, it won't be anyone.

You resurrected my heart. After so much hurt, you gave me belief in the impossible again. And I'm a sucker for that shit. So just let me believe that you'll love me forever. I can live with that, even if we don't end up together. Because that is True Love and I want to believe that that defines us.

Being miserable over the not of us is better than there being no us at all.