The New You
11:16 p.m. | Mar. 24, 2008

There are very few moments I'm "allowed" to think of you. None of them are during my conscious hours. For a few minutes every month, my mind gathers up all the moments I would normally have thought about you , condenses them, and puts them into a monthly feature in my sleep. Usually they are heart achingly wonderful dreams where I wake up dying from a deep need to be with you, no matter the consequences. In those dreams we walk together, holding hands; we gaze at each other, drinking up each other's company with every pore.

Last night's dream must have been the anti-you thoughts I have. Sure, there are many! Last night was full of unfulfilled expectations. Last night I believed we were in love with one another only to find out that you were incapable of love and told me outright that you did not love me, would probably never love me, and to get used to the idea or get out. I had sacrificed everything to be with you and I had nothing in my life but you. I remember the pain searing through my body and the cracking sensation of keeping my face from showing any emotion. The thought, You can fall apart later, ran through my mind. Your eyes were dead. You had nothing to give. One moment I saw you as my knight in shining armour and the next I stood before a tired, empty, and broken person who was utterly incapable of any emotion whatsoever. You played with people. It was all you had. You played them, had sex with them, and moved on to the next one. You moved fluidly between partners with no guilt, no thought of how any of your actions would affect anyone.

In one scene there was a girl. One of the many others that you had. And I knew that as long as I kept the ones who loved you, or could love you, away from you, all you'd have were meaningless liaisons with women who didn't love you back. And in that one small way, I could be different from all the women in your life. I would be the only one who loved you, even if you never loved me back. This one girl, I could see it, plain as day, written on her face, clear in her eyes, had the ability to love you. Already she had cheated on her boyfriend to be with you, but that part didn't matter, what mattered was that she might love you and I couldn't let her. So I waited for her to leave your place one night and I told her how unfortunate it would be for her if her boyfriend were to find out about where she had been. And if she wanted to keep it from him she would never ever return to you again. She knew there was no doubt I'd do it. I knew that I would do it. I would watch her boyfriend crumble, break his innocent heart. to keep her from loving you. I felt dirty and vindictive. I felt sinful. I knew I was trading everything I knew and believed in just to be with you. To be with someone who could never love me. To be with someone who had empty eyes and no heart. I'd already sacrificed my life and my heart and you'd already broken it. All my broken pieces already belonged to you. And I knew I'd live the rest of my life in that misery. Yet I would do it. I would do it all for you.