All I Ever Wanted
10:55 p.m. | Oct. 20, 2007

Here's the thing. All I ever wanted you to do was to just ASK. That's it. That's all you had to do. Do you know how many times I've been so close to breaking up with my boyfriend because of you? Of course you don't. It's partly my fault because I suppose I should say all the things that I want to say, but I'm too scared that you don't actually feel the same was as I do. And then I'd have ruined one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I would have thrown away an entire relationship for someone who didn't really want me anyway. My relationship is not perfect. In fact, it's been pretty hellish at times. But I hold onto him because I love him. I don't even know whether or not I could throw it away just because you decided that you love me enough now. If you do love me, if what I've felt, what I feel, isn't wrong, then you are the coward here. Maybe you don't say anything because I'm in a relationship, maybe you think I'm happy. Well, I am in a relationship, and I am happy, so you wouldn't be wrong. But.

At any time you have been free to say what you need to say. At any time you could have come to me. At any time I would have listened and I would have been foolish. Foolish for you. As if all of this isn't foolish enough as it is.

The thing is, I will always be in love with you. That will never change. And I can't figure out if I'm "in love" with you simply because right now you are the only guy I cannot have and my mind is somehow tricking me, tempting me with those damn what-ifs, or if what I feel is the truest, purest form of love I'll ever have. I'll never know because you've never told me. And all I can take from that is that you don't love me the way that I love you.

The only thing I've ever wanted from you was for you to love me as much as I love you. And for you to do it completely on your own. Here's what I do know. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I will never have to ask my boyfriend to prove to me how much he loves me. I know because in all the mistakes he's ever made, he figures out on his own what he's done wrong, knows that if he doesn't change it then that means he won't be able to be with me, and so he changes it, even if he doesn't know whether or not I'll take him back. He changes it on the simple maybe that he can be with me. And that's how I know he loves me. He would do anything for me, with or without my having to ask him to.

My question is this. What have you done? What have you done to prove to me that I'm the only one for you? That's simple. Nothing. You have done nothing. And it hurts me so much to know that for the rest of my life odd moments of not you are going to break my heart. Moments where I realize that I will never hold you hand in the bright morning sunlight. I will never run and jump into your arms. I will never know what your hands truly look like. I will never be able to see your eye colour change with your mood, or the day, or the shirt your wearing, or the season. I will never know what your favourite sweater is. I'll never wait for you to come home to me. I'll never experience you. But, just like the other day, when the sun was shining, and the leaves were flashing gold and orange and maroon, and the air was crisp, my heart and soul will stagger with the realization that in that moment I thought of you. You! Someday I'll not think of you in those moments. Someday I'll only want to share it with one person, and it won't be you. Someday it'll all come crashing down. This little dream that used to be my whole life, my whole future. Someday my life will be real and not just a time period of waiting for you to realize that you can't live without me. I have someone who can't live without me. And I love him. But the sad truth of the matter is, I'll never love anybody the way that I've loved you. Never.

All I've ever wanted was for you to ask. That's it. That's all. But I won't ruin the happiness that I do have by waiting for it because how hard can that really be if you truly loved me?