moving on forward away
9:48 p.m. | Jul. 31, 2007

Do you remember the time that we emailed each other within a 24 hour period of each other, not knowing we'd done it? It had been six plus months of silence. During that time it was like instead of you, there was a brick wall, and nothing beyond. You really couldn't have loved me as much as I had loved you. I am already using past-tense. I might be feeling relief, even though my heart is cracking and I can't let it show. We had one of those strange moments again, only you don't know it.

Two nights ago, I woke up kissing a stranger, because I thought I was kissing you. I had been doing good. Almost three weeks and I was only mildly thinking about you in passing once a day. If that. No dreams. Two nights ago, I searched and searched for you, and when I found you, I was pissed off. Imagine.

In my dream I still had a boyfriend, but you, you were going to get married. And so I went to you, and I was pissed, and I yelled, "Is this... really what you want??" Waving my arms around wildly, referring to your life without me, referring to your fiancee who wasn't me, referring to the world without each other. Except, in that moment I realized that I had really truly lost you because you looked at me like I was insane. And I realized how I must look.

Our so-called "love affair" was just an online flirtation, wasn't it? Nothing more, nothing less, and here I was more than TWO YEARS later, with my own boyfriend, barging in on his life like he owed me something. But I couldn't do it, I couldn't just give up. So I went for the kiss, but he backed away, slowly, with his arms up, the way people do when someone crazy is about to do something crazy in their vicinity. This wasn't how it was supposed to be! He was never supposed to stop loving me! He wasn't supposed to MOVE ON! He was never supposed to get over me... and so I lunged at him, my hands ready to grab the sides of his head, my lips ready to kiss, and I woke up kissing a stranger. Who turned out to be my boyfriend. Who sleepily said, "Happy Birthday, baby!" I had attacked him with my face while I was sleeping. But he didn't know.

Within 24 hours, you made a post in your blog (after more than 3 months of silence) that you had had your heart broken.

I spent the last 45 figuring out who it is. I'm a MySpace stalker. I almost cried. But after checking out the little bitch, I realized, she wasn't good enough for you, so I have no reason to be jealous. Although I have to admit, seeing you say things like "I miss your face" and "You're the coolest person on the planet" hurt because those were both things that you used to say to me. Verbatim.

I have no idea how to feel right now. So I'm working on not feeling anything at all. That used to be my speciality.