The Secret That I Keep
11:35 a.m. | Jul. 07, 2007

I finished reading this book yesterday. It was about how you can't imagine your life without someone while being completely in love with someone else. It reminded me of us, and I cried a lot of tears through the book, and I steeled my heart through the rest. There were secret thoughts written at the beginning of each chapter, and reminded me of how I keep these secret thoughts and even about how I made an entire journal so I could chronicle them and then I thought the worst thought of all. I thought, at least this guy's affair was real, at least he had the guts to go through with it, to not deny his heart and his feelings, and then I thought, well maybe that's a fault, and not an attribute. In the end it doesn't matter because I don't even know whether or not you think of me. And even that's a lie, because I know you do. Every day of your life, I know you think of me. Just the same as I think of you.

Even though we've never actually met one another.

Is this being unfaithful? Is keeping this journal infidelity?

I'll just have to keep wrestling with my heart. Over you, over him. Over us. Over all of us.

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